This past weekend, Ana and I attended a marriage conference at our church. We have been married one month shy of twelve years, and at this point in our lives, most of our problems get solved by having something to eat and a good nap. We are in love with each other.
We didn’t feel we “needed” a marriage conference. Truthfully, the idea of having child care Friday night and all day Saturday and being able to hold a conversation that wasn’t constantly interrupted was the bigger motivation than needing help with our marriage.
It hadn’t occurred to me that we could possibly have a relationship that was even better than we already have. Whenever you bring God into anything, and let Him lead the way, you will do it better because HE lead you through it.
Friday night was a sit-down semi-formal dinner, so we dressed nicely, and it really felt like a date. I felt excited and Ana was absolutely gorgeous. It had been so long since we took the time to prepare and get dressed for our time together. We hadn’t even arrived at the conference and I was already learning how to make our marriage better. And that was how the entire conference went for us, so we humbled ourselves and learned.
We learned that conflict or any force that comes between my wife and me is not from God. The enemy comes to Kill, Steal, and Destroy so if we have tension or are divided we must stop and pray first. The next step is to seek to understand my spouse before trying so hard to be understood. If I sit and listen I will understand the problem and can work toward solving it. We are not the same person so our perspectives will be different. We learned that we must seek to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our hearts – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
We learned to hold our tongue instead of speaking when upset because you can be forgiven for what you say in an emotion-filled moment, but the damage done by careless words can take a long time to repair.
We were reminded to serve each other and to understand each others most important needs and how we can fulfill those needs to express our love and appreciation.
We learned that conflict should not be something between us but something that is trying to divide us and if we team up against conflict, our marriage will always win. We must listen first, be quick to apologize for what we did and how it affected our spouse whether it was intended that way or not. Respond always with a kind voice and a soft answer.
Neither of us is perfect but let your words always build up your spouse and never speak disparagingly even with sarcasm or humor.
Never let the word divorce enter your heart or come out of your mouth. It is not an option until you make it one. Do not speak that over your marriage and family.
Solve conflict right away and do it quickly. You can be right and have an unhappy spouse, or you can solve the problem together with love and understanding and have a strong rewarding marriage. So you can be right or you can be happy, but not both.
Most important:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24 NKJV
You and your spouse are one when you make that covenant with each other before God. God is first, your spouse is second, and everyone and everything comes after that in order of priority and importance. Do everything you must to preserve that union, and let nothing or no one come between you. Not parents, not siblings, not work, not anything or anyone. If God is in the center of your life and marriage, and you turn to Him for everything and involve Him in everything, your marriage will be strong.
We learned a lot this weekend. We learned how to do the daily stuff with more intention to build each other and our marriage. We learned how to involve God in our day to day better. And we learned some ways to solve the big problems when things get heated and frustrating and we lose our patience and self-control. We learned how to make a good marriage incredibly better. And we agreed that we need to do this conference every year because there is no such thing as a marriage being too good.
