The only reason we have four kids is that we can’t responsibly seat any more than that in our minivan. If we owned a school bus, I am confident we would have filled it long ago with precious little souls to raise, care for, and love. Ana and I love kids, and the older we get, the more we are grateful for God blessing us with a family. The only thing I would change is the time we get to spend with them. It’s not nearly enough as far as we are concerned. Like every parent, we have work and many other grown-up obligations. So we came to the realization that while we don’t have the quantity of time we would like to spend with our kids, we can focus on the quality of that time so that great memories are made, and they feel our love for them and not just hear about it.
We used to ensure each child got a date with Ana, and one with me each month. It consisted of at least four hours doing something that the child wanted to do. The problem we ran into was the cost as well as the time commitment. There were financially lean times or busy schedules when dates had to be postponed. After a couple of months had passed without anyone going on a date, we realized we needed to find a better way.
The focus had to be one-on-one time together, as that’s what had made the biggest difference in their confidence and happiness, and therefore, their behavior. It had become about what we were doing on each date rather than the time spent together talking and making them feel special by giving them our un-divided attention. We learned that making a big production out of every date was not sustainable, nor was it the most effective approach for our kids.
Without telling them or making any special plans, I started taking one of the kids with me to the store, or to wash the truck, or to grab a coffee and watch the sunrise. Short trips with no big plans beyond spending time talking, listening to their favorite music, then showing them something cool or teaching a life lesson about a bug or a tree, or telling a story about when I grew up. I got them to tell me about their week or day, or how they felt about something they experienced.
It’s intimate and un-interrupted time getting to know each other, laughing and talking, or sometimes solving a problem they needed to talk about. Ana does the same with them now and we both discovered that time spent this way was monumentally more effective at building a relationship with our kids, helping them navigate growing up, and strengthening trust and confidence in them.
This lead shot for this article is a picture of my daughter Emma. We had gone out on a date before this picture was taken, and we had a wonderful time. She was the center of attention with no siblings to compete with. When we got home I sat down on the couch and she crawled up behind me and wrapped herself around my neck.
All of our kids are affectionate, but Emma is learning to use her words to express her feelings, so when she feels overwhelmed with joy and gratitude, or just pure love, she communicates by getting close. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t care where we are or what we are doing. This is how Emma needs to express how she feels, and letting her do that is far more important than anything else I might be doing or what someone else thinks. Emma feeling understood by me assures her that I love her and that my love for her is unconditional.
In time, she will learn other more subtle ways to express herself I am sure, but I will never reject her affection because I understand what she is trying to do. She is my daughter, my child, and my job is to build her up, wisely guide her, and teach her, but most of all, to love her completely and without conditions.
God gave children a set of parents so they could guide, correct, teach and most of all love and build them up. That means children are expected to make mistakes, sometimes the same ones over and over, and they will make bad decisions, so don’t be surprised when they do. That just means you haven’t completed your job yet, so continue on. Have patience, love them unconditionally, build them up with your words and actions. At the same time be firm and lead. Also important is to discipline when it is needed but never from a place of frustration, anger, or payback. Discipline should never be handed out because you reached the end of your rope as that means you lost control, you failed, and discipline becomes payback instead of consequences and growth. Discipline must be firm and without hesitation, but it must be done with love and with the intention to teach a valuable lesson.
We have a rule in our house. If you lie or disrespect authority you will be spanked. Anything else will warrant a conversation and a consequence but there will never be consequences if they tell the truth. Teaching a lesson after a bad decision is easy but if my child lies to me or disrespects my authority as their parent, words will not correct that problem. The result has been as we had expected. Our kids do their best to tell the truth and be respectful always and we have developed a family culture where they help each other make better decisions. If they do cross the line, the lesson is swift and effective, there is a discussion once the tears have subsided, and we move on loving them as usual. The problems are rare now and are solved very quickly with a few words.
Kids need parents, and probably never more than they do now. And in our case, our kids need parents that have devoted their lives to serving God and are saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. Spending time building them up, teaching them, connecting with them, doing things with them rather than watching them, teaching them, guiding them, being an example to them and building them up with your words and actions is, I think, the best way to build a child into a well-adjusted, happy, and productive adult that brings great value to the world around them. We have a few more years to go before they are adults, but it’s going really well so far.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such, there is no law.
