The only reason we have four kids is that we can’t responsibly seat any more than that in our minivan. If we owned a school bus, I am confident we would have filled it long ago with precious little souls to raise, care for, and love. Ana and I love kids, and the older we get, the more we are grateful for God blessing us with a family. The only thing I would change is the time we get to spend with them. It’s not nearly enough as far as we are concerned. Like every parent, we have work and many other grown-up obligations. So we came to the realization that while we don’t have the quantity of time we would like to spend with our kids, we can focus on the quality of that time so that great memories are made, and they feel our love for them and not just hear about it.
We used to ensure each child got a date with Ana, and one with me each month. It consisted of at least four hours doing something that the child wanted to do. The problem we ran into was the cost as well as the time commitment. There were financially lean times or busy schedules when dates had to be postponed. After a couple of months had passed without anyone going on a date, we realized we needed to find a better way.
The focus had to be one-on-one time together, as that’s what had made the biggest difference in their confidence and happiness, and therefore, their behavior. It had become about what we were doing on each date rather than the time spent together talking and making them feel special by giving them our un-divided attention. We learned that making a big production out of every date was not sustainable, nor was it the most effective approach for our kids.
Without telling them or making any special plans, I started taking one of the kids with me to the store, or to wash the truck, or to grab a coffee and watch the sunrise. Short trips with no big plans beyond spending time talking, listening to their favorite music, then showing them something cool or teaching a life lesson about a bug or a tree, or telling a story about when I grew up. I got them to tell me about their week or day, or how they felt about something they experienced.
It’s un-interrupted time getting to know each other, laughing and talking, or sometimes solving a problem they needed to talk about. Ana does the same with them now and we both discovered that time spent this way was monumentally more effective at building a relationship with our kids, helping them navigate growing up, and strengthening trust and confidence in them.
Our daughter Emma is our youngest daughter and the middle child of four. She is most often the quietest. But since we started spending one-on-one time together with her she has blossomed. She is far more confident and happy. She speaks up for herself now and she tells us jokes and stories about her day or a book she is reading or about a friend and what they did. She is more energetic, works harder at school and in Jiu Jitsu. She is doing everything better and most of all she is happier. And we see this sort of result now in all of our kids. More confident, happier, and more accomplished, and they get along with each other much better.
This lead shot for this article is a picture of my daughter Emma. We had gone out on a date before this picture was taken, and we had a wonderful time. She was the center of attention with no siblings to compete with. When we got home I sat down on the couch and she crawled up behind me and wrapped herself around my neck.
All of our kids are affectionate, but Emma is learning to use her words to express her feelings, so when she feels overwhelmed with joy and gratitude, or just pure love, she communicates by getting close. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t care where we are or what we are doing. This is how Emma needs to express how she feels, and letting her do that is far more important than anything else I might be doing or what someone else thinks. Emma feeling understood by me assures her that I love her and that my love for her is unconditional.
In time, she will learn other more subtle ways to express herself I am sure, but I will never reject her affection because I understand what she is trying to do. She wants and needs our time, attention, acceptance and most of all our love. She is my daughter, my child, and my job is to build her up, wisely guide her, and teach her, but most of all, to love her completely and without conditions.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NKJV
